I AM NOT AFRAID

I’m not afraid of

I’m not a fraud offffff

Happiness out of abuse.

I’ve been living my life ehh

Stuck like the unflossable

I gottta Keep loving my self loving my self ehhh

I wrote this riff a couple nights ago in a bar bathroom. To be honest, I love kitchens and bathrooms for talking and ideas. But I want this to be the last piece I write from pain. It’s not who I am. I am funny, make bad joke, I am successful, I love adventure, now I know this sames like a Dating profile, but to be honest, it’s all of this that is actually lacking in my personal life.

See I signed up for acting classes, to stop acting. When I go to work I am fun-loving megan, when I come home, I am serious, I’m scared, and I’m in pain.

I am not telling the whole story, but the below is a recent account of my own personal timeline, re: why the above comments. So…

I looked up what it means to be in a domestic violence partnership. Domestic violence by definition is: violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner. I answered 90% of the questions with some samples below. I’ve also read several accounts of women who couldn’t let go until their life was nearing death. I admit that I don’t want that life and tonight, is my constitution of letting go.

Hey, did your partner ever….

Insult you, demean you or embarrass you? yes
Look at you or act in ways that scare you? Yeah
Make all of the decisions without your input or consideration of your needs? yes
Tell you that you’re a bad person? yes
Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault? Yes always
Destroy your property or threaten to themselves? Yeah, all of the above

Now I am not an idiot. I saw the red flags.

Now my story isn’t one that I haven’t told before.

It’s one I have lived many times, with the sheer acknowledgement

of “I am better than this” or as my dad says “I am the catch”

How it will Redefine who you are as a person

What you believe and what you allow

Now, most of you I know are like, yeah, bullshit,

you’re full of bad patterns with men,

and the story, has always been the story,

and has the story even changed?

But I have never told the story of letting go.

letting go for the right reasons

The story of unacting,

An just acting like me.

Now, I don’t give a shit about selfish

I think hey, at the end of the day,

You think alone, die alone, it’s not sad, it’s true.

As I told him the other day, his violence is really

Just towards me because I am there, not because i caused it

Now from life coaches to quasi cult like self improvement classes

What i learned from all of this is

If you think your story is of the addict, the abused kid, the alcoholic, the low self esteem then that will always be your story

And It goes on.

As my adulting has evolved I have started to believe what my parents say is true,

Shocker.

people don’t change.

My dad has always taught me that life is an evolution of self, and you want to be with people who EVOLVE

Ever since I’ve been a kid I‘ve been musical, loved ideas, and loved the idea of opportunity in people. Shit, my WHY of WHO I am is, to cultivate others so that their voices can be heard.

But, what about my voice. See I read the trades.

I research the shit out of things I don’t know.

I always try to be a leader and not a follower.

I’ve read that great leaders put others first

But, I am fucking sick of that, and I am letting that go too

Some people at work the other day said, the problem with this company

Is that we don’t let people fail, and I was the guiltiest one of all

Oh, did you read that emails, hey can you respond to the client,

This is a priority!!

But in a domestic violence situation, as I have learned about recently.

The only person you can save, is yourself.

Now I have kept many things hidden.

I don’t cry on social media, I barely even tell my family.

But I’ve been analyzing how to make myself happy from joining social sports, aka i am not a sports person, or acting classes. I asked myself why do you binge watch tv and film?

It’s because it’s shit I can see myself staring in.

And I have recently decided that this is my time to stop making excuses

stop preventing myself from what I really want.

A good friend told me recently, that it’s not about quitting your job,

being a waitress or broke to have art,

there are other ways, and if you believe in it, whatever it is you can make it happen

My life has turned into driving on a fucking freeway,

yeah the freeway is called fucking

and I see billboards of my talent one rockstar,

one in a rom com, one in an indie film,

one fashion designer clothing line extradinate,

And then the goddamn ghost of Mr. Robert Frost prevents me

from choosing a direction.

The obvious direction doesn’t involve abusive men.

The obvious direction is me being and doing what I love.

I’ve dated the counter-cultured, those who are seeking a personal revolution

Hey buddy, just you wait, the only culture i want, is the doing out of intellectual

And physical happiness and no i don’t want to write another

voyeur without a title, I don’t want to write about your bullshit i want to let it go

So did my partner ever make me feel like I am...

I’m not afraid of

I’m not a fraud offffff

Happiness out of Abuse. yes.

I’ve been living my life ehh

And I am not stuck like the unflossable, and shit maybe i should date a dentist, kidding.

I gottta Keep loving myself loving myself ehhh

And start performing the act of letting go..