OUTCOMES THAT BECOME THE NEW ME
The first half of forgiveness for me
was forgiving myself
In order to do that
I had to get into new routines
With of course inspiration from my therapist
That allowed me to be more successful
The ability to get up and make coffee
To work out every morning
To have milk in my house
To wash my face
To even think of putting on make up every day
For a really long time, I never cared about what I look like
I sometimes falter with it because if I am secure with myself why
Do I have to look good for others
The reality is, it’s not that, it’s more like how I show up for me
It’s more like society, it’s more like
It’s more like how people view me, I gonna be how they want to view me
I work in a very non-creative space #data
In in my early 2019 review there were some key elements that stuck with me
That they think I’m frantic when I’m passionate
That I have too much energy and need to breathe more
And then there were the great at building and maintaining relationships,
That I embody the hustle core value, umm have you met me?
And somehow all of this resulted in me not having enough control #respect at the end of my review
the major takeaway for me was
that sometimes it’s better to play a role than play myself
People expect outcomes, made to fit in boxes
It’s really funny, sometimes my dad tell me about being a creative and in a workplace
And he says, Megan, anyone can put numbers in boxes, but not everyone can come up with the ideas
It’s those ideas that take a really intelligent person to digest them
To make them more to make them rattle -- that they don’t become a Strategy
They become a way of life
They become mantra
They become it’s not what I can’t control it’s what I can control that’s my mantra for 2019
Only be upset about things I can control
That I personally can have an impact on
I can’t control your actions
I can’t control how you feel
I can’t control if you love me
I can’t control if you don’t think I am beautiful enough
I can’t control if you are comparing me to someone else
I can’t control that I didn’t grow up with X, Y, Z benefits
See the funny thing about control is the letting go
Is the ability to let things happen -- extempore as my dad says
And some people are better at it than others
It’s taken me a really long time to be comfortable with a routine
Of not feeling boring
A rinse and repeat, a copy paste
Of myself
And I think that comes with an evolution of love -- right, a self-love
And evolution of love that it will never be the same that it will mold how it molds and you must love it anyway
And I am not an expert on love or relationships friendships, partnerships anything that ends in ship to be honest...
But I do know, that, sometimes, when I wake up, I feel like I am meant to be here, that I have a purpose,
Or maybe it’s my crazy ideas, maybe it’s my passion, my energy, and that’s why I am here
But no one has told me, I don’t need anyone to tell me, my whole life I haven’t needed anyone to tell me anything
I had all the ideas, I had all the answers, and even if I didn’t, I challenged myself to figure them out, what am I going to do
I live by this statement Ann Waldan would always tell me in grad school, “Don’t sit around and wait to be discovered, discover yourself.”
In one month my life has become love. What the fuck does that even mean, love. It’s this weird world of acceptance meets sexy time meets I get you means we negotiate means we plan things in life together means I learn how to sleep in your arms instead of a year alone means we eat meals together means we cuddle means we know how not to be mean to each other means to not go from 0-1000 when angry, means to get to know someone's pet peeves, means being able to reflect, means, means, I really hope this one works out this time…
This is a very different story than the one where I kicked a man out of my apartment that I can’t really afford, but I make work
It’s this make it work mentality that not everyone has, there are the people that crumble that people that could just sit down and cry --
A friend of mine asked me last Sunday what it was like after he left
How do I deal with pain?
I think my sister is really the only person who saw me deal with pain
Literally, on the collapse of my living room floor sobbing on the thousand dollar rug, I purchased that he said was “my choice” in OUR place, so, therefore, he didn’t have to pay half, insert eye roll emoji here…
Most of the time to everyone else I brushed the breakup shit off
Most of the time I was like it was better for me, oh I am so happy it’s gone, it’s out of my life --
But pain doesn’t leave you, why you made those decisions doesn’t leave you, and people don’t really leave you --
Maybe in the physical sense, but it’s ultimately like a haunting, like one day i’ll open my door & he’ll appear again...oy, let’s hope not #thankyounext
I read an article where the ever so prolific popsugar wrote where the main takeaway was, “he will always have a small piece of my heart” -- focus on my eye roll here
Maybe I learned how to pack my dishwasher more correctly
Maybe I learned how to do my laundry more efficiently
All those Domestic things, his mother forced her son to be good at “well rounded”
Things of not who I am, but who I have become living alone
But yeah, I have had break downs, yeah I have had weak moments
Yeah I have seen that couple on the street on the subway on the sidewalk
And yeah I cry
Yeah I compare myself to others about why I haven’t met the one yet in my life
Even if my parents say it’s “not my time” or it will happen “when you least expect it”
Yah know All that stuff might be bullshit, it might be the truth, but in the end, maybe it’s a reality
But I can’t control it and I can’t control mantra what I can’t control
So after everything is said and done
Really the only thing left I have like anything in life
No matter if everything goes to shit and gets taken away from me, is me
Is for me to choose to let it go for myself
And it’s all how I react right
And it’s not easy
But it’s also how I transition myself how to react
How I put myself in spaces that make you more successful
And for me it’s putting myself into acting classes
It’s putting myself into a space of sheer vulnerability
And realizing that it reminded me about recording music
About the time in the studio with my old band
About how when you record music you don’t record it at full blast
You recorder it lower
So you’re able to apply the controls in acting called the tools of slipping in from your regular speaking voice or taking breaths and pauses where you didn't before
(see remember that review I had this year, shit even my job knew acting would be good for me)
And then I can turn up the sound
I can then be able to manipulate, what at the time was my vocal tracks
How I became more than the sound presented itself
And then there are outcomes
I did a scene from the play Rabbit Hole, it’s tragic, I won’t go into the plot
As my teacher said what is the outcome of this play to focus on in the scene
The outcome is that they stay together
The outcome is that they love each other
The outcome is that no matter what we
Work through, in their case death and an abandoned sex life
See the outcome of the play is that letting go, throwing things away, that
it’s the choice to acknowledge a piece of their past
will always stay with them, but the outcome is ultimately their choice to stay together
It’s a mindset and a mindset that not everyone has nor wants to have, it’s not fucking easy
I at times didn’t / don’t have it
At times a revisionist mindset is derived from a scenario
From seed, but don’t think long term growth of myself for instance of the now fictitious “US”
I mean fuck, I might have disability, liability, dismemberment insurance
And all that shit for that kind of outcome, a finale kind of outcome
But I am talking a relationship outcome here
And since I am not married I don’t know what it will entail
I know the life of a single person, who is like, fuck it, if it doesn’t work
I’ll find somebody else, but maybe that isn’t the healthiest outcome
Maybe it’s not the leapfrog outcome, maybe it’s more of the tenderness the settlement
The need to really dig deeper in myself to start defining what I want to my outcome to be
Ultimately I’m in charge of my own outcome
What I say what I do, perhaps not often how I feel, but there is this ultimate Sympatico
The symbiosis of it all
I sometimes joke/ believe that you can tell an outcome of a relationship from a simple make out
The want to make it work reality
The willingness to make it work
Want it to give it my all
Listen, I’ve experienced a lack of success and money and losing and gaining of all the “ships”
Investing my time my bank account, my credit
I poured my whole self into the “ships” and my time and my energy and my creativity
And in the end
All I can do is reflect when it all goes away
But, what if I was in that space now
And by space, I mean my old relationship
And I thought about my / our outcome
Would I slow down and rewrite the scene, to edit out the fighting, the anger, the abuse, the pain?
Would I now say:
Hey, this is a really difficult moment for both of us
Hey, i know you’re going thorugh a lot
Hey, I hear you, I am listening
Hey, this is what I need right now
Hey, i am going to go take a walk and remove myself from this scene
Because of course these things play out afterward and you’re like FUCK what could I have done what about all the things
And the reality is like, I needed to do what I needed to do at the moment, but it’s over
And all I can think about afterward is how it’s changed my life
How it’s allowed me to become something else, someone more willing to pause, to breathe, and then speak
But it’ these outcomes
These lingering moments
These determined goals in a relationship that I didn’t experience before
These destiny’s, they fucking loaded terms of like, ultimate shit, that you think about, what your life really is like -- and what I want it to become
Oh, and don’t worry I have a whole long list of qualifiers for men now in my phone and of course space for my goals
To me, I toggle all the time with
What am I going to be remembered by
What is the outcome of my life going to be
Who will I love
Who will I be with
What is this life
And i think it is something that we perhaps multiple people struggle with (no matter how successful we are )
I wake up every day like what is my purpose
What am I going to accomplish today
Who am I going to be today, you know?
Besides my dad’s childhood mantra for me, setting the stage for my life shining lights on that fact that, the best and the greatest, a true confidence booster, is actually all along everything I need
So yeah, I live my life towards my outcomes
That I have that house in the Hamptons
That I have purchased my apartment
That I have a husband
That I achieved my monetary goals
That I booked that TV show
That I have published that book
It’s a different way to live life
It’s not this, wake up every day, and dress/act for the job you want to have,
Because then, I would wake up every day in my pjs and turn over, lets be real
It’s slowness, and this is coming from someone who talks and walks fast,
Finds new pacing in life by breathing more
And being a person who thinks towards outcomes
The sheer showing love for myself through routine
Show love for what I do is good enough even on days when I don’t think this way I remind myself that my current state is only temporary
And it’s not some coulda woulda shoulda shit mentality
It’s taken me a long time to not be in that space
And it’s not a settling
It’s not really content
It’s more like a launch pad to the next.